A blue butterfly fluttered up beside us for a fleeting moment.
“What are you doing all the way out at sea? Do you know where you’re headed?”
Shortly thereafter, during the boat ride back to shore, I made the decision to go ahead with getting an orchiectomy. It means the removal of both testicles and by some miracle, I was laying on an operating table three days later.
When it came to having the surgery the anesthesiologist gently places a mask on my face. He asks me to count down slowly from ten.
I begin to do so, ten, nine, eight, it’s all going smoothly but when I get to seven I panic; “what if I want biological children? or to ever feel my dick get hard again? It does feel good, fuck!” My eyes shutter on the count of six but I need more time to process all of this. I’m down to five and my chest is so damn heavy, it feels like I’ve stopped breathing. I tried to scream “please stop” but my mouth won’t move and I think I may have drooled instead. I lose track of what number comes next but with every strength left in my body I managed to force my eyes open. I hear the anesthesiologist exclaim “oh” before they close once more.
There, suspended in the darkness before me, with those shimmering wings stretched out to me. My blue friend calls out;
"Did your boat safely make it back to shore? Or are you still out there just as lost as me?
Kaniska Canace Ishima is most likely the butterfly encountered as I had been snorkeling off the coast of Kerama island.